in Straight Red


I don’t like divers
so throw them all in,
give them a red card
as it’s a cardinal sin.

Some owners of our clubs
who because of their wealth,
do whatever they like
but they’re bad for our health.

People who follow a big club
but never been to their ground,
chuck them in room 101
so they can’t make a sound.

Overpriced merchandise
are they having a laugh ?
You need to take out a loan
just to buy a shirt and scarf.

Three hundred grand a week
for that Rooney has to go in,
and so too his greedy agent
they deserve Orwell’s dustbin.

Who else should go in 101
as there’s room for many more,
how about that costly striker
who couldn’t hit a barn door ?

I’ve put in poetic form some of the things in the beautiful game that really irritate me and if there was a room 101 for football I’d love to drop in all of the above in. All fans have a bugbear as football is a passionate game and you only have to go to a match on a Saturday and you’ll hear many of them being shouted out from fans from both teams.

Referees would be high on the list no doubt as who hasn’t questioned the parentage of the man in black during a match? Or how about one of your teams players, who you reckon should be playing for a pub side and not be turning out week in and week out for your beloved club?

Another irritant that I reckon would be lobbed in room 101 by many fans up and down the country would be footballers who wear gloves, especially those who wear them even on a mild day.

Who was the player who first ran onto the pitch donning a pair of woolly mitts? Whoever it was should be shot at dawn as he has started this trend which has filtered even down to kids football and it now it is as vital a part of some players kit as his boots or socks.

Another gripe I’ve heard from fellow supporters are overzealous stewards especially at away grounds. The ones who strut about in their high viz jackets like Nazi stormtroopers and who go out of their way to ruin your day, purposely blocking the view of the pitch by standing directly in front of you. So I’d gladly chuck them in room 101 as many of them aren’t football fans anyway so in they go and their bright fluorescent coats as well.

Banter is part and parcel of this game we love and there’s nothing better than being in the pub before the game and having a few beers with your mates and having a chat with fans from the club your up against that day. But room 101 has space for those who think it’s fine to abuse an opposing fan and to even attack them for having the “cheek” to come into their pub, so those who like to partake in being abusive in they go and there they’ll stay as they’re not wanted in the pub or in the ground.

Why are there always two commentators these days covering matches on the telly and on the radio ?

What was wrong with just a single commentator like the great Kenneth Wolstenholme and David Coleman? Now when you get two talking over each other trying to get their views across it can be really annoying and can put you off the game completely. So if I had my way it will be one commentator only and any more I’m sorry, will be pointed towards room 101 and that should be enough to keep their mouths shut tight.

Why do many fans decide to leave the ground with ten minutes to go at a game with their team only losing 1-0? They’ve paid their money which isn’t cheap these days but for some reason they think the game is lost and they’re better off going to the pub or back to their car.

But as we all know the game isn’t over till the final whistle and who hasn’t seen those who left early come rushing back in when they’ve heard the roar of the crowd when their side grabbed an equaliser? So remember a match isn’t over after eighty minutes so either stay till the end and support your team or in room 101 you go.

And finally could the supporter sat behind me at home games stop shouting abuse at our manager and his players telling them they don’t know what they’re doing and saying he’ll never come again. But lo and behold you keep returning just like I do but we all know the team we support  isn’t very good but they need our support not constantly being slagged off, so please give it a rest or it’s room 101 for you my friend !

by Kevin Halls

kevin halls profiler